Our New Year’s Misadventures as Told by Someone Else
It was an American woman in Montreal. She volunteered to come visit us for New Year’s. I couldn’t have done a better job than Tracy retelling our whirlwind love affair of two girls, one Clown. So read her account.
There’s a few things I feel I need to clarify and/or add.
1) I could not get email to work on my child’s xylophone, but it’s a pretty good fax machine.
2) Tracy wondered what Canadian money was called, because in America they have dollars.
3) I can drink a whole bottle of wine when cheered on by two recovering alcoholics because they hold a special magic and I have the will power of a dead cat.
4) Americans don’t poop in Canada because of the metric system.
5) Never sit in the back seat of any car that Le Clown is driving. Duh.
As we say here in Montreal,
Asante
Between pot holes the size of turkeys, Le Clown’s Montreal style driving, and a humongous mountain (hill), Tracy’s inner ear didn’t stand a chance,
Former substance users are very persuasive people. Two of them together, you could have had the will power of a feral cat and you still would have “lost” the battle. I am pretty sure though that it was tasty wine and why let any of that go to waste? It’s kind of like a personal sized soda/drink of your choice — save it for later and it’s just not the same.
You are a voice of reason in this mad, mad world. From now on, I shall dedicate a sip or two of every bottle of wine to you.
Hear, hear! I like that.
It’s nice you enjoyed your visit from your American blogger friend. They can be a little touchy. I know. I’m one of them. It sounds like you had a good time. Too bad they forced all that demon wine down your throat.
It was a great time, and I have confessed my sins about straying off the wineless path.
I confess a lot.
Howling with laughter in French, English and Metric….
It pleases me that you laughed, Jots. Tracy is a talented writer, and funny as poutine.
Love the drawing, Sara. And thank you for the clarification. I read Tracy’s account last night, but it’s nice to hear your side of the story…
Full of lies, hers was. xo
Dearest Sara,
1. Although your teapot sits on the stove, on the actual burner, it uses electric.
2. You did not have the necessary adapters required for me to poop.
3. I just drank coffee, therefore, I will be up for the world.
4. The front seat is really just as bad as the back seat.
5. I enjoyed half of the new James Bond movie, but enjoyed our commentary more.
6. I enjoyed 1/7th of a movie where a doorknob turned into an actual cock and balls.
7. I never knew that hockey sticks were actual snow shovels in Canada.
8. You have a shit ton of hair.
9. Your cat is schizophrenic.
10. Canadians, even the little ones, have horrible smelling poop.
Love,
Mom
It’s all true. Electricity is new to us, so I’m still figuring out the newfangled contraptions. The hockey stick incident was really a highlight. You didn’t mention the part where we were corralled and terrorized by enormous snowplows. I still have nightmares.
Well now I cannot wait to go and read her version. LOL Like your drawing Sara. (funny) :)
Absolutely worth reading. And doesn’t feel long, despite nearing 3000 words. That’s talent.
Woo-hoo. Great clown car and great people in it. I love how each of you have told the story of your 3 wonderful days but each one is a little teeny bit different.
A great way to start a new year.
Mine is the most accurate, of course. The other two are damned liars.
Of course. The visuals you’ve provided attest to that.
Since dramamine is part of my life I haven’t puked in a car.
Too late of an advice for Tracy I’m afraid.
Nice drawing.
Oh yeah, that’s good stuff. MAybe I should keep some in the glove box….though that might look bad to a cop…not as bad as the half empty bottle of whiskey and crack pipe…but bad. That reminds me, I have to clean out the glove box.
This makes me want to come visit–if only so I can see you fax something on your daughter’s xylophone.
Well worth the visit. Welcome any time, S7. Bring the whole crew. Hugo can sleep with me.
Funny Sara. I’ll send you morose code from my kettle later on. xo
Message received. Carrier pigeon made of Canadian money on its way.
It may not be the strongest bird around, but it will have pretty colors. I may spend him instead of sending him back though. :-P
Hahaha…that damn metric system….it can fowl up so many things!
Especially poop. One lb of poop is 2.2 kilograms here, which can seem intimidating.
If I can’t poop I don’t think I want to visit Canada.
Do a cleanse before hand. You’ll have lots of space that way.
1. I have never pooped north of Dallas, TX, so there’s a new item on the bucket list.
2. The only things I ever drink are coffee, alcohol, or coffee with alcohol, but I still sleep a standard 5 hours a day, no excuses will be accepted.
3. My grandson makes phone calls on a pocket calculator when he visits us…where do small children get this technology?
4. What is snow? Can I trade you a hurricane for some? We have lots of those down here.
1) Does your poop have an accent? And is everything bigger in Texas like they say?
2) You’re one of those “healthy” people I keep seeing on the talking box.
3) Kids. So savvy.
4) Snow globes and hurricane lamps are where the two meet.
Well-played…well-played indeed. And my wife said, “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas, including our delusions.”
Damn that metric system…
Yeah, makes things colder here too. Mr. Celsius was a cruel man.
This is the perfect followup to Tracy’s post because I got every single reference you made. I especially love the xylophone one.
Hooray! Our stories are a Canuck/Yank lovechild….a horribly monstrous one that terrorizes the countryside eating whole cattle and counting by 10s.
Oh…fun.
But it really did sound fun! :)
I visited Canada once for New Years Eve. My fondest memory is of watching a bartender punch a guy out in the street (he had been stealing wallets apparently), and every single stereotype my fat American head had been filled with regarding Canada went sailing out the window that night (except for the one about cleanliness. Crossing the border was like a night and day difference when it came to litter on the roadsides).
Oh if only I could remember more than pieces of it!
I wish I was there for that…
Yup, it’s true. There IS crime in Canada. Kind of mind blowing, EH?
As for dirty road sides… we just put all our garbage on ice floes and send them off to the polar bears.