Is the Cure Worse than the Crazies?
I am so damned tired of being on drugs. To be clear, I’m talking about FDA approved psychopharmaceuticals, not recreational drugs (makes them sound like something one takes to the cottage on vacation).
The legal drugs, ironically, are obligatory. No one forced me to start them, but the alternative was not pretty. So I started. Now, I can’t stop. I’m on three meds at the moment. If I stop the Lamitrogine, I could die from a horrible rash or have seizures. If I drop the Mirtazipine, I’d be lucky to get away with only insomnia. The latest guest at the pharma-party is Amitriptyline. So far the side effects are dizziness, weakness, dry mouth, and feeling like I’m at the wrong end of a long tunnel when interacting with people. It’s like being constantly drunk but without the delusions that I’m funnier than Tina Fey and sexier than Christina Hendricks. Withdrawal from this nifty pill includes possible organ failure. Don’t even get me started on all the pills I had to stop after a brief trial period because they were intolerable or highly addictive (we had some good times, Zopiclone and me).
What. The. Fornication.
There will be more. I’ve started with a new pdoc (psychiatrist to you normals) and that means reevaluating my history, my current “condition“, and trying new drugs. It’s not all bad, however. Since getting on this Rx roller coaster, with myriad therapists at the helm, I have made great strides towards the shiny new me. I no longer have meltdowns looking for my hairbrush (I wish I was making that up). I’m not scared of everybody. Most importantly, I’m no longer my own enemy. Which is good, since I was a complete asshole to myself.
But how I lament these side effects. I want my brain back. This long distance relationship is a drag.
First time with a new paint program and using a track pad. Forgivesies?
Ringmistress,
Are you sure it’s not the Pink Floyd music that’s been playing all morning?
Le Clown
I think it’s the uber-exposure to clowns – they are so frightening. Coulrophobia can kill.
But seriously, both ends of the candle suck – I hope you can find a middle ground that allows you to lose your hairbrush and take it in stride but doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re muddled throughout the day.
stupid hairbrush. always hiding. there is a sweet spot, I know. just taking the scenic route to get there.
I’m pretty sure every melt down I’ve ever had was justified. I’m sure yours have been too.
I love your drawings – they remind me somewhat of one of my favorite illustrators, Ralph Steadman. Are you familiar with his work?
Yes! I didn’t know the artist’s name, but I recognise the work. He’s a less macabre version of Stephen Gammell who I love. Thank you for the comparison. I gotta get back to hand drawing…
Speaker7 reminds me of early early GB Trudeau’s Doonsbury strip.
You’re welcome – I LOVE Ralph Steadman’s stuff- check out Hunter S Thompson’s Curse of Lano book – the drawings are fabulous. I’ll check out Gammell.
My all time favorite illustrator (besides my husband) is Edward Gorey. He was an oddball too, which I love.
Is there somewhere online I can see your husband’s work? Gorey is great. I aspire to be as prolific.
He’s in the process of getting his stuff online – but you can find me on fb – Denise Mogge and I have an album of some of his stuff. My avatar is Scott’s work (I might have mentioned that – if so – forgive my insanity). He painted Morticia for me for my Morticia Memorial Garden (it’s all dead stuff).
On my way.
Oh Gammell is creeeepy… his Mudkins cover looks very Steadman. You have more flesh in your avatar picture than Gammell gives his drawings :)
Yeah, he’s all dark and twisty. He illustrated a book of scary kids stories that haunts me to this day. In an awesome way.
Roland Dahl haunts me sometimes along with the illustrations on Chicken Soup with Rice
Wait, you thought that FDA-approved drugs were supposed to HELP?? (I joke, of course. I was a pharma shill for a long time.)
It’s true that for a lot of drugs, the side effects can be worse than the disorders they’re treating. And withdrawal can be wicked—so if you go off of any drug, you have to make sure that you do it slooooooowwwwwwwllllllllllyyyyyyyy. I’m sorry this has been such an ordeal, the trial & error, the mix & match of drugs. I can’t imagine how much of a drag it is. BUT, I’m glad they’re also helping and that you’re feeling a lot better. You should never be mean to yourself.
ah, good ol; emotional self flagellation. I,m pretty sure my hairbrush and my mean inner voice are in cahoots.
But as my bipolar aunt used to say, all will be well. psychiatry is more of an art than a science. my pdoc said that. we’re just doing the best we can with the info we have…
Someone I know takes 14 pills. Almost half of those are to deal with the side effects of the other drugs. She would also say she wants her brain back.
I hope that you do break out of the tunnel, and find the shiny new you. Just promise not to lose some of the old you. I kinda have a crush on her.
well, the ME part isn’t going anywahere. just under renovation now that i realize the foundation had some cracks. look at me, all metaphor-y and stuff. can’t type worth a damn though. much love to MSFAM (my sister from another mister)
My brain and I had some good times together back in the day. For about five years it went on vacation, but now it hangs out with me most of the time and even thinks for me sometimes. lol
I currently take 4 psych meds — Seroquel, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Depakote — plus Klonopin for sleep and Ativan prn when I go off the deep end. Which, thankfully is getting less & less often. I also take Antara for the high cholesterol & trigylcerides that the Seroquel causes, and vitamin supplements which I never needed before I started these meds.
Oh well. I hope to go off at least some of them one day, but it won’t be any time soon.
Seroquel gave me the WORST restless legs. I wanted to amputate. I liked Wellbutrin, but it made me feel like I was chugging Red Bull all the time. Yeah, I think long term goals for me is to not need these pills anymore. I might be lifer, but I hope not. I just found out I shouldn’t eat grapefruit with Amitriptyline. HUH? Anyway, thanks for stopping by and sharing your version of the Willy Wonka Pharma Factory.
Lol… I used to take Amitriptyline in the 70s and 80s. No one mentioned not eating grapefruit. Thank God I don’t like it anyway! ;-)
p.s. I love ‘MSFAM’!
I love it too. Jen from Jen and Tonic uses it. I’ve used it in the past, but when she used it on me, I knew we were soul mates,
I am so sorry. I hope you find a workable combination that allows your brilliance to shine through. I deal with so much crap on a daily basis, but reading this just made me all the more grateful for my own crap. Sending sweet positive energy your way Sara. :)
Perspective is everything, huh? I know I don’t have it as bad as others. It makes me feel for people like Ruby who have had dramatic changes in how they experience the world. At least by all this trial and error, the next generation will have better choices at hand.
We can only hope Sara? I try to look at things in a similar way. I feel that the crap I have been through and continue to go through makes me uniquely qualified to help others. Bright side. :) Some days however it just plain sucks. lol Hang in there. :)
Oh and I love that saying… “if everyone threw there problems in a big pile and you could see everyone else’s you would take yours back”. So true.
Sara, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this but I bet there are others who may be going through the same and you’re writing about it probably helps someone else (and I hope you as well!). It certainly hasn’t affected your wit and wisdom. Good luck with that “shiny new me” thing but from what I’ve read, the YOU you are is quite lovely.
Thank you, BB. I feel like I just ramble when the need arises, but if anyone gets something out of this, that would be spectacular.
The “shiny new me” is a little tongue and cheek. I am happy to be working toward a happier, healthier me. You are always a treat to read. Which reminds me, congrats on being FP’ed!! SO deserved.
Thank you for saying that, Sara. You’re such a treat to read! And I’ll say it again, I simply love your art — in both words and paintings. Be well, my friend.
I’ve had that “I’m not sure where I end feeling” briefly from time to time, and it’s completely disconcerting. You are a hero for still being you through that fog. I salute you! xoM
That’s a sure sign I’m moving forward despite the trial and tribulations of all this. I am in some ways, more myself than ever. Thanks M
*swoon* I love a woman that can use the word myriad properly.
I’m sorry you have to go through this bullshit. I wish I had more to offer, but that’s all I got.
I was corrected by a friend after I abused the word and put “a” in front of it. Now I throw it around to prove how smart I am and to get compliments from pretty people. You gave me just what I needed, FOOW.
Sara, best wishes with all of this. That sucks.
Meh, could be worse. Most times just frustrating. Thanks for the well wisharoonies.
Oh boy I sort of know what you talk about.. I’ve been on 2 different antibiotics because I just can’t get rid of this pneumonia..i feel tired, dizzy, queasy..it sucks.. Crossing my fingers the new Doc can access your case and help wean you off some of these..
I actually like your picture!
pneumonia is terrible. And gross. Drowning in your own phlegm… yuck. get well soon.
may we both survive the illness and the cure!
Being on meds is annoying. I know that I have to take them for life and I made peace with it. But still some days I wish I didn’t have to take them. However, I’m at a point where living is acceptable. Where I don’t want to kill myself every day. Where I have days when I am actually happy for almost a full day. I don’t want to lose that and so I keep taking them. But my journey has been long. It took me 20 years to get here. Mainly because I didn’t have the right help. Now I do.
Give yourself sometime. It is possible that you will have to take medication for the rest of your life. And then again, it is also possible that after a while, you won’t. The most difficult years are the few first, when you are still struggling to understand what is happening inside yourself. But once you (with the help of the right doctor for you) discover what works for you, then it’ll get easier.
Hang in there
Hanging in, I am. I’m fortunate in that I’ve found a couple of therapists that are great for me. Now, the meds…we’ll get it all sorted out. Eventually. The thing that fristrates me, like someone above mentioned, is that there seems to be a slippery slope to meds. Start one, and then more come tumbling in. And then there’s meds to manage the side effects of other meds. AAHHH! I hope I don’t get there… thanks SSG. You’re always so encouraging.
yeah, unfortunately that’s usually the case. With a bit of luck, you’ll find a combination that works for you without too many drugs in the cocktail.
The problem is that it’s all about trial and error when it comes to pharmacotherapy for mental illness cause every person is so different. I can’t wait for the day when drugs will be targeted to every person according to their genes
Hang in there… You’ll find a better combo at some point. Hope the new pdoc helps – changing providers did me a LOT of good. No, no sarcasm there. I really meant it.
As someone now taking 5 daily Rx’s for being mental and one PRN for being extra mental on occasion, I can completely and utterly sympathize. I was not happy about adding the last three meds into the mix, but I’m not having the 3-14 days per month of sheer insanity anymore. I haven’t blogged about what led me to add the 2nd AD but it was getting scary. And now it’s not.
I guess it’s worth it since my side effects are tolerable enough. I do wish I could speak as eloquently and clearly as I used to.
I came to the realization on Tuesday that med changes are just going to be part of my life from here out. I want to take less meds and lower doses, and that means making tweaks, and then adjusting things back when stuff doesn’t work out. And I have to consider timing as well since “seasonal features” are part of the hand I was dealt.
*sigh*
At least it’s not boring, right?
Always an adventure! I’m getting a little nervous as the days grow shorter, and my new, smaller apartment is not settled yet, looking more like a trap than a haven. In a way, I’ve been forced to pay more attention to my mind and body, and that’s good. I cannot imagine how hard academia must be with the pharma fog part of your daily life.
I don’t get too foggy, at least not most of the time. The meds actually really help my cognitive performance and most of the side effects are just annoying but manageable things like excessive sweating, dry mouth, etc.
Wow. I feel dumb as an inbred redneck after a lobotomy some days. I guess I assumed that it was a universal effect. The thorazine shuffle…
I think that level of mental fog means you should try something else. But I’m not a doctor. :)
Oh wait, I am a doctor! Just not a medical doctor.
Whoops. I see this comment now after my witty remark. I think I can be pretty straightforward with my new Pdoc. You can be sure I’ll blog about it.
Don’t you have a PhD?
Having been in treatment for 14 years, I have seen a few meds in my time. The one thing I have been grateful for is being able to advocate for myself. Even then, I have made mistakes in not speaking up when I should have.
My latest pdoc is freaking amazing! I adore him! But the previous pdoc (nurse, actually)? I should have filed charges against her since I was sitting in her office crying for over half an hour while her staff was “at lunch” but knew I was there. Additionally, I sat in her office explaining what was going on with me and she said, “Well, you know what to do.” Worst, though, was talking to her while I was bleeding after giving myself a friction burn in her waiting room. And she never asked me about it.
Sorry for the flashback there. Honestly, if you find a good pdoc willing to truly listen to you about side effects, you are golden. It is often hard to articulate things when on psychoactive meds, but if your pdoc will work with you, it seems easier. I know that I make sure to research the meds I am on or contemplating being on.
I certainly hope you find the right combination for you. I am lucky in that, during these 14 years, I have only had bad reactions to a few meds. I certainly hope you find your way to a balanced state.
What a nightmare!! It’s terrifying to think that people like that woman can be responsible for the care of fragile people. Or anyone really. But, like all professions and walks of life, there are some giant dickfaces. I think I like my new pdoc, but it’s early. Love my therapists, though. I am lucky. I know someone who’s been with the same therapist for 20 years and hasn’t worked out a lot of his junk. I think that’s really irresponsible on the therapist’s behalf. I am getting better at self-advocacy. I think all will be well. Thanks TAOTBM.
A good team is essential in treatment. Good luck.
Forgive. I actually really like that scribble pic. Adore it. Oh, Sara, what a rough time. I hope you feel better soon. You have shared your experiences in such a wonderful, intimate way. I’m rooting for you.
Yeah! I’ll take all the cheerleading I can get. Drawing sure does help. Keeps it light and keeps me in a creative state. Thanks, TBF.
That picture of your (lack of) brain is weirdly trippy. It’s like 90s 3D art.
Been there with the drugs. Just keep taking care of yourself and hang in there.
The 90′s was my decade, so that makes sense. There was much weird tripping.
I will hang in, thank you, Jill.
I’ve been treated for depression and bipolar disorder for years now. I feel so fortunate that my psychiatrist (never heard the term “pdoc”..is that Canadian?) is a freaking genius. And he’s funny as hell. I am only on Lamotrigine and a tiny bit of Lexapro. We’re upping the Lamotrigine and he’d really like to get me off the Lexapro, but I have a tendency to scream over very small things when I’m not. This is particularly not welcome when we are in the car and frequently necessitated pulling over…even when I wasn’t the driver. Seems to me you’re on a hell of a lot of anti-depressants. I do take a bunch of supplements including Omega 3. Oh, btw, get your iron and Vit. D levels checked if you haven’t. Lamotrigine can cause Vit. D deficiency and you live in the land of the non-existant sun, right? I take 2000 mg of D every day, which also helps with depression.
I hope you find a shrink (that’s the term in my world) who gets you stable without all those meds and a regular physician who knows something about supplements.
Helloooooo Robin.
Y’know, I hadn’t heard of “pdoc” until I became familiar with forums where our people hang out. They kept using that term, and I liked it, so there you have it. I’m definitely down with the supplements, but it’ll have to wait until the budget allows. Those aren’t covered by insurance because we’re a backwards, nature hatin’ culture (but that’s my opinion). I know the screaming all too well. It’s rather inconvenient, no? I appreciate your story. Thank you
I don’t get coverage on the supplements, either. Know that budget thing all too well. BTW, who’s Robin? My son’s name is Robin; how did you know?! My name is Janice. Did I miss something? I’m frequently missing something!
OOhhhh. No, Le Clown said that was your name. I blame him. WHOOPSIE! My apologies.
No, just Le Clown’s tricky way of getting me to reveal my and my children’s real names. I don’t do it on my blog, but consider yourself special: I am Janice, my son is Robin and my daughter is Abigail. Yes, do blame Le Clown . . .blame him for everything. I think his ego can handle it. But now Eric. Be nice to Eric.
Yes ma’am. Your secrets are safe with me.
I wonder about this sometimes too. I think I prefer being drug-free and mildly crazy. The chemical world is just so incredibly complicated. Feel better Sara.
Imma on my way…
You’re so witty, clever and creative. I hope a day will come when you’re happier and healthier. You seem to be moving in the right direction.
One unsteady foot in front of the other…
I count myself extremely lucky, that the first drug they put me on worked, and the side-effects are minimal. Although, the fuzzies and the constant sleepiness were scary as fuck in the beginning. (this coming from the chick who could remember EVERY conversation she had all day word-for-word, and NEVER EVER slept)
BUT my body got used to the drug, and now I am not a total zombie. Thank you Escitalopram…you made me less of a nut-case.
Really, isn’t that what we all want? Not totally uncrazy, just a functionally crazy. I’m truly happy that you nailed a winner right out of the gate. We need more of that. And I suppose we’ll get there eventually.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that there is a magic cocktail out there that will keep the worst of the crazies at bay. AND that they find it soon!
I wanted to share this song with you – as soon as I read this post – this song came to my mind –
WAIT! WAIT! WRONG SONG!!!!!
Ha! Cool song. What band?
Firewater – off of Psychopharmacology. The other song is off that same CD. Which is a great song too – but very sad – -about a kid who has a father that dies in the military…then the mom kills herself and the kid lives on the streets. Firewater often has some intense subject matter – but Todd A. is such a gifted lyrics writer.
“What the fornication” made me smile. I couldn’t imagine what being on medications like that must be like. Seems to be a difficult thing :(. I don’t even have sex, because I can’t remember to take birth control. It’s pretty sad.
Whoever invented pills that must be taken the same time, every day is a robot. I do NOTHING the same time, every day. Obviously, I need a personal assistant. You should look into one too. Or a butler.
As long as I can call him Jeremiah, I’d be down with having butler. :)
I SO sympathize!! The Rx rollercoaster is no fun… But then, as you say, the alternative is intolerable. It wasn’t till I first got Sober four years ago that I realized how out-of-whack my own brain chemistry was, but I’ve discovered that one of Life’s best friends can be the right P-doc who kept on working with me till we found a balance that let me reclaim my own brain… Most days. And then we’ve probably all got the extra coping mechanisms for “those days” that still happen. (Mine is a hot bath. Yesterday I had four. Luckily I have a small tub and an efficient water-heater, ha!) Here’s wishing you a productive journey with the new pdoc, on the way to reclaiming your brain! :)
Good old self-soothing can really get us past the crap days. I have yet to find my little trick, but I’m working on it. Le Clown is a big fan of baths too. I didn’t like them until I met him.
I’ve got my fingers crossed for this new pdoc. He seems to listen, and that’s a good thing. Stories like yours are always encouraging. And congrats on your years of sobriety.
A doc who LISTENS is a GREAT sign! :) (Sadly, it hasn’t been four years uninterrupted–I should have indulged in more baths a couple years ago, rather than thinking “a beer” was a good idea… As if I’d ever been able to stop at A beer. But we’re coming up on two years again, and rather wiser than we were!)
Any day successfully fighting our demons is a good day. You’re excellent.
I want my brain back, too. I hate my drugs, yet I’m terrified of trying to wean off of them and becoming that person again. I like what the last comment I read says: “Any day successfully fighting our demons is a good day.” I’ll try to remember that.
IT’S SO SCARY!!!
I hear ya, sister. I want off the drugs so badly, but I do not want to revisit the place I was a year ago. Surely, it’s impossible to ever really go back…but worrisome nonetheless.
Someone else in the comments said that the drugs can be helpful until the heavy lifting is done. Once we get through that, maybe we can do the rest of the renovating mad free. I’m rooting for you.
Not to say that psychiatric drugs shouldn’t be used (I love the klonopin now for sleeping instead of ambien), but I know where you’re coming from. And lamotrigine was the worst! who makes a pill shaped like shield??
Pharma companies have a nasty sense of humour, I think. The brand names too, are silly. Wellbutrin! Ambie n! They are masters at marketing onomatopoeia.
The invention of the first antidepressant was actually the start of interesting names and marketing diseases instead of drugs. First there was amitriptyline (I believe that was the first…), and since, at the time, major depressive disorder was considered an ‘extremely rare’ disorder, they purchased thousands of copies of a book about it and sent it for free with their samples to clinics around the company. Then came Prozac, who upped the anti – marketing depression directly to the people. It worked so well, you can’t turn on the tv or flip through any magazine without something listing the vague and almost universal “problems” associated with some disorder or another. Makes me crazy just thinking about it!
If you’re interested, there’s a really good (and clarifying, and enraging) book about all of this called “Prozac on the Couch.” I can’t remember who wrote it, it was some doctor who noticed really negative things about some patients of his once they got on these awesome drugs so he started doing extensive research about it all.
I will add that book to my list, thank you! I love that stuff. Anaotomy of an Epidemic is good (though I only got about 1/2 way through) all about manufacturing mental health as disease and therefore needing a (pill shaped) cure. Thanks for the suggestion!
In answer to the question that forms your title: Sometimes. Speaking as a child of a parent who suffers from a mental illness and also as a person who suffers from an (as yet undetermined) physical illness, multiple prescribed medications are part of my daily routine. I find that the pretty colours break up the monotony of the pill-popping routine. But thanks to the narcotic fog that ensues as a result, I’d be lost without the numerous alarms set up on my mobile to remind me of what to take and when (I have 7 I have to take daily and another 5 that I take “as needed”).
One of the games I like to play is to read the information leaflets that come with the medications – just to compare the side effects list with the symptoms I already have. My favourite so far has been “hallucinations”. The only problem there is determining how I’ll know when the hallucinations come on; as my symptoms make my days so interesting to begin with. ;-)
Oyoyoy.
The tangled web of symptoms and side-effects. The most glaring irony being that anti-depressants may lead to suicide.
Yes, I agree that meds have a time and place. And sometimes, especially when the welfare of other people is concerned, the drugs are necessary and the fog etc better than the alternative.
I hear you sister,,,I don’t like being on my FDA drugs either,,however the opposite of not taking them, makes me like you. And,,I didn’t like that old me and I lost so much time with my beautiful children.
On this day, your comment tears me apart. My toddler and I have been having an interesting week, and I am reminded that though, yes, parenting is hard, and that yes, I am getting better, I am still not functioning as well as I’d like. I’m trying so hard not to lose time with my beautiful children.
Then stay on the advised Meds. You are a awesome mom and person. I say bundle up that little dumpling and send her out with Monsieur Le Clown to the park for daddy time and momma can take a rest.
Sadly, I lost the first 3 yrs of my youngest daughters life. I simply can’t remember it :(
And,,now I am going to remember the rest of her life, And, if I have to be medicated to do that then oh well !! :)
Have a great day!