Fat is the Comic Sans of Bodies.
Poor, maligned Comic Sans. The font we all love to hate. We make fun of it and all who might naively choose it for their presentations, emails, or websites. In short, Comic Sans is for losers. But wait… A few people I like and respect use it. The God Particle people used it. I’m fairly certain almost anyone with access to a computer in the early 00′s used it…
It’s just a font.
Comic Sans: Hated by hipsters, loved by grandmothers.
But we do love a fall guy, an outcast, a target for our jabs and barbs. Making fun of something unites us. Being in on the joke feels good. I do it. I’ve done it to Comic Sans. I do it to 80′s hair. I do it to Nickleback. I’ve probably made fun of most things at one point or another.
Some snark I’ve outgrown because I’m not as blindly insensitive as I was (sorry, old people) or because I joined the ranks of the previously mocked (parents of toddlers, I’m talking to you). Mostly, I’ve just grown up and know that using words like “retarded” as an insult is a dick move.
Most recently, my eyes have been opened about fat hate*. Fat hate is just one more version of bigotry that I’d like to evolve out of. It’s no more excusable than hate based on religion, sex, gender, race, ethnicity, IQ, age, or language. I didn’t know this until I started living in a fat** body.
I’ve always fluctuated in weight from looking gaunt at 150 lbs to being a fit and beefy 200 lbs. I now walk around in 250 lbs of fat, meat, and bone, and I’m learning that it’s not the horrible, worse-than-cancer, nobody-will-ever-love-me, living death sentence that I thought it was. I am also learning that being fat means being shunned, sneered at, stared at, judged, and monitored. I’ve been thin, and I know how people treated me. Now that I’m heavier than what other people think is appropriate, it’s a stark contrast. Thinness is a social lubricant and a privileged position. People are nicer, flirtier, give better service, make more eye contact, and accept many more behaviours from a person in a thin body.
The other day, while attending a BBQ at a skateboard daycamp, I cracked a joke in front of the staff (who we know well) about how I didn’t want a hotdog because I made the very mature decision to eat chocolate bars for lunch. One man (who I’ve never seen there before) actually sneered and pfft-ed. I know that if I was thin, and made the same joke, it wouldn’t make people uncomfortable or judgey. I’ve made food jokes when I was thinner, and they were hilarious. Now, you could hear a pin drop. Somehow, because I weigh more, I suddenly bear the burden of eating only healthy foods and only in “reasonable” amounts. I have lost the privilege of dessert, or indulging, or eating what I want when I want. If a pretty, thin woman is licking melted ice cream off her wrist, it’s sexy. If that same woman were fat, it wouldn’t be received so well.
Social stigma is not an easy thing to live with. I know what kinds of things people think when they see me because I used to think the very same things about fat people. “Show some self-control”, “god, kill me if I ever get that fat”, “why would she wear THAT?”, “I can’t believe she’s eating that”, “of course he’s taking the elevator instead of the stairs”, etc., etc., etc. I was an asshole and a bigot.
That’s not the worst part, however. Being judged by others will always happen no matter how thin, pretty, rich, smart, or powerful a person is. It’s a fruitless pursuit to try to please others. The very worst part is that I have turned this hate inward. I don’t think I’m alone. Everywhere we look, we are told “fat is bad”. I don’t see myself in magazines, commercials, TV, or movies, except as comic relief. I am never the heroine, the love interest, the winner.I’m Bombarded every minute with ads for weight loss that express disgust at fat, and reality shows that celebrate slim bodies and punish fat ones. I am separated from “normal” people by having to shop in different stores, or different sections. It’s fat segregation, and it feels bad.
I am not an epidemic. How can fat be an epidemic and not stress? Or divorce? Or depression? Or rape? I am not a disease to be cured. In fact, fat people do not die younger than thin people. Fat doesn’t kill, poor health does, and not all fat people are unhealthy just like not all thin people are in good health. On top of all that, humans are not designed to lose weight. Even if a fat person is also unhealthy, it’s nobody’s damned business, but we think it is, because that person is fat.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I am struggling with an eating disorder, and I would like to stop. I’m a binge eater. Like an addict of any other substance, I eat to avoid feeling things I don’t want to feel. I eat when I am not hungry. I eat well beyond feeling satisfied or full. Not occasionally, but almost daily. And like all addictions, it controls me. Not all binge eaters are fat, not all fat people are binge eaters. I just happen to be both. I want to get to a place where food is just food, not an escape. I used to think “if I could just get my binge eating under control, I would be thin again”. Now I think “I want to be free of this addiction”. Not to be thin, just to be free.
This world tells us that thin*** is normal, one body type is normal, and genetics, culture, ethnicity, family history be damned. Fat has gone from being an individual trait, like brown hair or a loud laugh, to being an identity.
Well fuck that.
I am tall, smart, funny, kind, creative, pretty, curious, passionate, have a great husband and awesome kids, I’m good at my job, I’m close to my family, I have lots of friends, and I am fat. I have come a long way from crying in front of the mirror, but I still have work to do. I still try to hide my size in photos. I still dread running into people from my (thin) past, but those shackles are loosening. Therefore I present (mostly to myself)…
My Size Manifesto
I promise to stop hating myself because strangers don’t approve of my size.
I will dress how I want.
I will get whatever haircut I want.
I will eat what I want, when I want, and where I want.
I will respect my body.
I will respect myself.
I will develop a healthy emotional relationship with food.
I will not make degrading or denigrating jokes, remarks, quips, or apologies about my size nor the size of others, small or large.
I will teach my kids that they are excellent human beings at any size, small or large.
And as I’ve said before, hating myself for the way I look is a waste of my valuable, beautiful life.
Thin Sara thought I looked fat in this photo. Can you say “body dysmorphia”? Even when I was a size 8 on a 5’10′ frame, I thought I was too big. Oh, and I’m pregnant.
When I saw my wedding photos, I spiralled into self loathing despair. Instead of seeing memories of a wonderful day, I saw a fat woman who should not be wearing that dress. It’s time I took my joy back.
* Many thanks to Fat Heffalump who has started me on this journey and influences many of my new attitudes about fat.
** I use the term fat because the word “obese” is a medical term that stigmatises and pathologizes fat. I mostly avoid fat euphemisms because I don’t think “fat” is a bad word.
*** I am not anti-thin, nor do I consider curvy women to be more “real” than slender women. All sizes deserve respect.
Reblogged this on A Clown On Fire and commented:
I am giving you a short 12-hour break from the contest. Here’s one of the best posts I have read in a long time. Yes, I’m biased. Yes, I’m married to the author. And yes, I am damn proud of her for having the ovaries to write it, and publish it.
Bravo, you both! I’m glad to know you guys.
PS: Fat is just Thin, suitably adjusted for anatomical inflation. Its all a morphological illusion. Fret not, too much. You have company!
PPS: Le Clown: My greetings, Sire! I’m hopping over to your blog, for a dose of awesomeness.
Liberated bodies, fat and thin, taking over the world! First up, the abolition of aspartame. YEAH!
One of the most honest posts I’ve read. Thanks for letting us into your world. With these words, I suspect you’ll inspire more people than you can possibly imagine.
Well, that would be frickin’ awesome if someone else started being a little nicer to themselves because of this. Like many (most?) bloggers, however, I needed to just get this out. I know you know more than a thing or two about blogging, so thank you tres much.
I read a recent article in NYTime about a woman lamenting the fact that women are supposed to bounce back to the pre-children bodies immediately. And then she mentioned she once was an US Weekly editor who made her bread and butter making women feel bad about themselves and I just thought “why the freaking hell didn’t you have this lightbulb moment then instead of perpetrating the body-hatred syndrome experience by most women?” I’ve been there…thinking I’m fat in pictures when I was perfectly normal. I applaud your manifesto. It needs to be adopted by our entire culture.
Life is so damned short when it’s filled up with crap like that. When will we all given permission to just enjoy life? Sadly, misery is hugely profitable. Joy is not. Thank you for writing such encouraging things.
I think you’re a beautiful woman. I looked at a picture of you once and thought, she’d be a good nude model.
But I identify with the insane mindset about being thin. I’m getting over it now, near fifty — don’t have a choice. Used to use cigarettes to keep the weight off — twisted.
The pursuit of thin is making people sick. And miserable. What’s the point to being reminded all the time that we are failures at living?
I’m almost ready to be a nude model….
I just reflected on how much more relaxed I am now that I’m not neurotically concerned with maintaining a stick figure. I became really sick from not eating at one point in my life. I thought my worth was in my physical appearance. I’m glad you talked about this.
You just got me a little bit emotional. Thanks for talking with me.
I actually thought the exact same thing! Sara has always reminded me of “The Birth of Venus” by Botticelli. I think she’d be a beautiful nude model.
So, in other words, you guys have been picturing me naked? Pervy.
Only while listening to Barry White. That keeps it a tad classier.
You never know who’s watching when you post those sexy pictures up there, huh? This has all been very helpful to me too. It’s a damn shame it takes women until they’re old to figure it out.
Um, I was a nude model when rather overweight. It was very liberating – the artists didn’t care what I looked like; they just wanted someone to draw.
I loved drawing big women in class. It makes you really look at the body because, for the most part, it’s different than what we know in nudity.
On the other hand, we had one model fall right over because is leg fell asleep. Hazardous job.
I would love to share this thoughtful post with a friend of mine who is forever complaining about her weight. The manifesto is a very positive message. Even though I insist to my friend that she always looks great to me, I fear if I send her this link it will backfire and she’ll insist, “I knew you were just acting nice! You do think I’m fat!” Weight is, forgive the pun, a huge issue, especially with women.
It’s a very touchy subject for nearly everyone. Timing is everything, and sometimes, there’s never a good time. I am so flattered that you would want to share this with someone you care about. Thank you.
You obviously care about her, and she has a good friend in you. I wish I had something more helpful to offer.
You were very generous with how much you revealed about yourself in this post. You’ve given plenty.
Wow … what a great post. As a formerly underweight woman who’s gained 20kg in the last 10 years, I can say that I am also a bit of a fat bigot and need to change my attitude. I’m a much healthier weight than I used to be, but somehow it’s hard to shake off the feeling that I used to be better-looking. Now I’m pregnant as well and understandably gaining even more weight. I am beginning to stare in the mirror and hate myself. People keep telling me “You’re pregnant, of course you’ll gain weight, it’s healthy” and theoretically I know that, but it still isn’t easy to watch it happen to myself. I need to stop letting it get to me, before it becomes an even bigger problem.
First, congratulations on your pregnancy! Weight gain is normal and healthy, but that wisdom collides with every other thing we’ve been taught about weight, it seems. The whole fear that pregnancy “ruins your body” is pretty disrespectful to women and their babies, I think. Even pregnant bodies are expected to stay slim, and then immediately revert to their former size after birth. It’s not realistic or fair. I obsessed over my weight and body while I was pregnant, too. You’re pretty cognizant of your challenges, it seems. That’s a great sign. I hope you have a happy, healthy pregnancy and birth!
I’m not sure I really was cognisant of it until I read your post, and your comment about hating yourself. I just suddenly realised that’s what I’m doing too, and I should stop. Thanks for your insight.
Your baby has a great mum. xo
BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO
WELL DONE
WELL SAID
INDEED INDEED INDEED
Taking a full figured bow right now. Thank you.
Oh gosh, so many thoughts…
I read an article about how fat hatred is the last acceptable form of hate in this world. I really do agree with that. As someone who has struggled with her weight pretty much her entire life, I can attest to how crappy people treat you when you’re not thin. You’re either invisible or VERY visible.
If someone was to call you a “fag” or “retard” or “[insert racial slur]” everyone would be up in arms. But when you call someone a “whale” or “pig” you’re just pointing out the obvious. It makes me angry in a way I can’t even explain.
I do understand that we all have choices in our physical appearance, but I do not believe it’s as easy as “just eating less.” For many people, being overweight is a manifestation of something larger. It’s depression or self-esteem issues or a true addiction to food. It would be like telling an alcoholic to “just stop drinking.”
Thank you so much for writing this. As someone who has been overweight, underweight and everything in between, I really saw myself in this post.
For the record, I think you’re beautiful. I think there is an effortless elegance about you that I would kill for. Don’t ever believe you’re anything less than spectacular.
Choice or not, it’s not cool to hate fat. You’re right in that many people struggle with food issues, and it goes way beyond will power or self control. Even then, it’s easy to make excuses like “oh she’s fat because she’s depressed”, etc. We don’t say “oh, she’s Jewish because [insert excuse]” We shouldn’t have to apologize for or explain our size, wherever it falls on the spectrum. It’s ok to be fat for no reason at all.
I think the bulk of my spectacularness comes from the company I keep (that means you). Also, I am in awe of your cool.
You are absolutely right about not needing to make excuses for it. If someone chooses to be fat then more power to them. I have a friend who is very overweight, and loves her body. All of her gentleman callers don’t seem to mind either ;)
She makes no apologies, and I freaking love that about her.
And honey, you wrote the definition of cool.
No. YOU’RE cooler. Yes you are! Oh YES YOU ARE!! Don’t argue with me on my own blog. That’s very rude.
You are sweet and you are brave and you are beautiful and you are heartbreaking with your honesty. I respect you tremendously for laying things out here so completely. And I hope most of all that one day soon you can be free. I’d say this is a damn fine start.
I guess it was time to get it out. Thank you, Roobz. You’re good to me, and to all that you love.
In the Hawai’ian culture, big is beautiful. I started studying hula in my late forties, well after my “thin” days. I’ve been dancing hula and feeling beautiful doing it for almost a decade now…and I’ll keep doing it until the day I leave this plane of existence. I think you look much happier, and sexier, in your wedding photo…and the dress is perfect. Embrace and love the gorgeous woman you are…every day! All the best, M
Yeah! I feel that as I got bigger, I wanted to use my body less. Dancing seems like a great way to reclaim my body, and though I’ve never witnesses the hula live, it looks beautiful. Obviously, I need to make a trip to Hawaii. Keep on dancing, Margarita!
You, too, Sara. You, too! xoM
I do think you’re quite beautiful!
The fat issue is a sensitive one for me. It’s precisely the opposite of why it’s been sensitive for you. I’ve always been fat, ever since elementary school. When I was in elementary school, my mom would tell me not to eat candy because I was getting fat. I didn’t see a problem, as it’s not like I ate more than the other kids. It’s difficult because anytime I get hungry when I’m around my family, they act like I’m a pig just because I’m fat. I feel like I have to eat less than everyone else when I’m in public so people won’t think I’m fat because I’m a pig. I’ve observed in general that I don’t seem to eat more than normal people, although admittedly I do have the bad habit, starting from when I was young, of turning to food when depressed. For the most part, I am actually pretty healthy, although I do have one issue now that means I need to lose some weight.
I feel so much worse about it because I’m short. I feel like people don’t like shortness either, so having shortness plus fatness must mean I’m disgusting to look at. I’m so self-conscious about how fat I am that I would never mention my weight on my blog. I feel like if I did, everyone would flee from my blog in disgust. I know that’s not rational, but still. If I weren’t anonymous and posted a picture of me somewhere, I’m afraid everyone would gag at how hideous I am, mostly because of the fatness.
I’m a fat wallflower. It probably influences how people treat me. It’s no wonder my self-esteem is pretty poor. :(
Jeez, I did say this was a sensitive topic. I can’t even think about my weight without getting teary. Sorry for the long comment. I do want to say that you make excellent points here, and I’m glad you’ve decided that degrees of fatness or thinness shouldn’t be an important factor.
Oh sweetie, I feel you. At 35 I’m only now figuring out that I have as much right to be in public, in photos, in a food court as anyone else. I can’t imagine the heart ache you must feel when your family criticizes you. We all fall into the fat hate trap, I think. Them included.
The infuriating thing is, many fat people eat the same amounts (sometimes less) than thin people, and those are just the cards they were dealt. I eat pretty healthy…lots of whole grains, try to get my veggies and fruit, lea meats etc. I know I eat better than lots of thin people I know. The link between food and fat is limited. But that’s all people can see. You have my support, whatever choices you make. I hope to see a picture of you someday. I suspect I’ll see something different than you do. xo
Yeah, oftentimes I don’t want to mention I’m hungry to my family if no one else is saying anything . . .
And thanks. You’ve very sweet. :)
Ugh.
Not easy. Not one bit. I hope you find a place you can be yourself, without judgement. xo
Reblogged this on I Adequate and commented:
This is an incredibly inspiring post. I am in awe of the courage and inner strength of the author to take charge of her life, and be the person she wants to be in the way that meets her own needs. This is a great post for restarting this blog about being content and proclaiming “I adequate” loud and proud.
I am inspired by your strength to be who you want to be and meet your own expectations. The world and our community likes to shroud us with expectations and templates of who we are “expected” to me. Bravo! I have reblogged this post to me iadequate.wordpress.com site!
So cool! Thank for reblogging.
We do have a lot of expectations to deal with, and it’s hard to sort out what matters and what doesn’t. I guessed I’ve reached the age where I’m no longer interested in the contest. I am grateful to have the privilege of following my own path. Feeling more than adequate every day.
a beautifully written post from a beautiful person. I look at the photos and all I see is pure happiness. I wish that was all you saw too.( I struggle with my image inside and out so I know what you are saying)
Hard to find people untouched with similar issues. If it’s not fat, it’s some other standard.
They were happy times indeed, and now I’m appreciated them like I have not before.
Thank you for the compliments.
Really lovely. You, the post, the emotion behind it. Really damn beautiful. Thank you.
I keep trying to type a witty response, but all I have is “thank you”. But it is heartfelt.
Sara,
This was a beautiful post . Yes, it is time to take your joy back. Your manifesto is a wonderful way to view and choose life for anyone, and I applaud the courage that you show in sharing your journey. Thank you.
Cathy
Thanks Cathy. I’m feeling pretty good about it. And it’s very encouraging to have the support. Now, time to lace up my boots and keep on that journey. Cheers!
Jen..I feel you. :) I have been thin after having been fat, and I know full well the differences and the discrimination that comes with size. You go girl. I am close to your weight, and I was at my thinest 128 lbs. I thought I looked great but most thought I was too thin and gaunt. But I liked how I was treated. I gave up sugar when I was 24. that was really hard. In part because of weight but mostly because of blood sugar issues. I lost my weight doing Atkins, not maybe the healthiest diet, but it worked for me.. I lost 70 lbs. I too eat for emotional reasons sometimes, although I have to say it’s getting better and better. I am happy to say that now having been both and knowing how superficial peoples judgements are…I am less inclined to give a damn. I am trying now to be healthy as well as drop some pounds. It sucks. Jen…know that you are beautiful. I know that you are, not because of a size, but because of who you are inside. That’s what matters. Everything else fades, and doesn’t go with us when we leave here. :) You ROCK!!!!
Yes she does. She is the rockingest, that Jen.
Sorry, I at first thought that Jen had wrote this, but everything I said I meant regardless of who it is addressed to. Thank you so much for bringing this into the daylight.
You totally rock too Sara. Sorry for the mix-up. A little too much wine last night. lol
Ha! No worries. I figured you got here from Jen’s link. I would second everything you said as it applies to Jen. She is outstanding. I also appreciate those comments as they apply to me. I wish you well on your personal journey and happiness at every size.
I agree that you are brave and inspiring to post this, and I know that most women reading it will identify on some level. There are few of us that are happy with our bodies, and those of us who are have had to work hard to get there. I teach yoga and work in a primary care clinic and I spend a lot of time talking to women and men about their bodies in different ways. Yoga helps me ongoingly to “meet myself where I am”, not “where I want to be” or “where I wish I was”, and also helps me to help others in this way. I’d highly recommend it, but important to find the right teacher/studio because of course there are some places that wouldn’t be so helpful…thanks for this…
I love that. “Meet myself where I am”. That’s exactly it. I really enjoyed yoga when I did it, and I practices every morning before work…but that was a few years ago now, and without any of that active mindfulness. I keep making excuses about why I’m not doing it now. Enough of that nonsense, I think. In your line of work, you must meet all kinds of people. I’m glad they have someone as sensitive as you they can turn to.
You look beautiful in that wedding photo….radiant. Wonderful post.
NOW I can see it too. I was happy, and now, I can enjoy it. Thank you, DV.
People do seem to have problems accepting other people where they are… even though that is often one of the things they long for most in life… to be accepted now as they are…
Excellent point. How’s we get so muddled up? Humans aren’t always too smart. That makes me sound IQ-ist, doesn’t it…
Ha! I’m OK with that… although I do think it is amusing when we use the word “dumb” for words like “cruel” or “evil.”
We’ve gotten a bit sloppy with our language. Good call.
As a philosopher I can’t help it… don’t ever let me get you down with my hyper awareness of word choice… one day I’ll learn to turn it off… until then, I guess there is always the single life.
Oh no, I am absolutely with you. Precision in language can be very important depending on your audience. I’m not dissuaded one bit.
From someone who has almost seen you naked, you are beautiful, Sara. This is a beautiful and raw post, and I appreciate that you shared it with us.
I try hard with the kids to make them understand how important it is to be healthy and – after reading this – I’ve begun to wonder if I might also be creating a fear of being fat; a situation in which – if they gain what would be considered excess weight at some point – they will experience the self-loathing you speak of. I will still emphasize health, but I will be more careful about how I do it.
Thank you for making me think.
Health IS important, and it’s great to give our kids good habits. But yes, it can wander into “don’t get fat” territory so easily, and that’s understandable, since we equate fat with unhealthy. Your kids have a great role model in you. They are surrounded by unconditional love, and that’s pretty effing stellar.
Reblogged this on Meizac and commented:
A beautifully and honestly written blog post that you need to read, no matter your size.
Sara, you’re amazing. This post is brilliant and thoughtful and I don’t really even know how to adequately reply. Suffice it to say you’ve got my respect and admiration, woman. I also agree that you’re a beautiful woman, regardless of dimensions.
I struggle with the whole fat thing largely because I’m not satisfied with being fat – it slows me down and cramps my style in a big way. I got pretty sick of that. It wasn’t healthy for me. Now I’m working to make sure I’m happier with where I’m at.
Honest question: is it being fat or being unfit that makes you feel slow and crampy? Would you be ok with feeling great and still being big? I still struggle with that question…
Yes, that’s exactly the question that makes the whole debate difficult for me to parse.
I think at this point in my life, it’s being unfit. I’m tired of taking a breather every 50 yards when lugging a backpack uphill – if nothing else, that really frustrates me. I can’t go as many miles because I just can’t haul my wide load as far with all the extra weight, and that impacts meeting my goals and enjoying the journey. These are fairly objective measures (to me) of the impacts of being fat on my life, and they are the things that really upset me, in addition to whatever more subjective attitudes about things not fitting and feeling like I look lousy in my clothes.
I’ve been fat for so much of my adult life that I feel like I’ve come to accept it as being A-OK, regardless of all the media and social messages to the contrary. But they’re subtle, sneaky things – attitudes about bodies.
I too, get winded easily. I am sedentary, which makes me not very fit, and I hate that. It is frustrating to not have full use of one’s body.
I have clothes from before I was pregnant that I insist on keeping because they “fit” but mostly, they’re just triggers for self criticism. I’m starting to buy clothes that fit well, are comfortable, and look good. It’s excellent for the soul. Thinking of you. xo
For the first time in my life this year, I looked in the mirror and didn’t see big butt…stretch mark, sags and bags, I saw a woman…for the first time ever. I still struggle no doubt hut I could never be a size zero…and my tummy is not what it used to be but these are not things that should define me or anyone in society.
I am learning to embrace a more healthy me…skinny or not. This is a great post! Bravo
THAT brings tears to my eyes, in a good way. There are so many more of us than there are of the smooth skinned, narrow hipped, size 0′s (and god forbid they step outside that parameter), but somehow that became the expectation. All women (and men, and others) deserve respect. I just don’t get how so many of us got left out. Enjoy your new freedom! xo
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Wow.
Rarely am I so impressed with a piece of truly honest and eloquent writing that I actually walk all of my sarcasm and snarkiness into the other room, put on a movie for it and give it a snack so that it will be ok without me while I take the necessary time to respond.
That was bare naked stripped to the bone honest and incredibly poignant. I applaud your ability to stand up in your feelings and move through them in the healthy outlet of writing. Not only are you getting out of your own head, you are a voice of reason that commands attention and encourages introspection and encourages us to take our own inventories regardless of which side of the coin we’re on.
I, like many women, have been a part of that battle for a long time. I am 41 and 6′ tall. Between high school and now I have been 135, 256, and am now 175. I get it.
I have also struggled with addiction for 20 some years, and am currently 10 months sober. It’s just another vehicle used to get away from ourselves, and our feelings. It takes incredible self awareness, honesty, humility and strength to live in those feelings and walk through them without self medicating (food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping…..).
I write a lot of stupid funny shit on my blog, but I also have a little corner “deep fucking thoughts” that deals with all of this stuff…feelings, addiction, life, struggles, acceptance, etc. I started my writing when I stopped drinking and suddenly had holes of time and feelings I did not know what to do with. I commend you for using this wonderful tool of writing to purge it all, to share you struggles with us, and to make all of us who are wearing or have worn a fat suit at some time want to high five the shit out of you.
For every heavy girl that loves herself, a hater gets a horrible yeast infection, or an angel gets her wings…something like that.
Rock on beautiful.
Tracy
I applaude you for taking on your addictions. Womano y womano. Really scary, difficult stuff. Congratulations on your 10 months. You must be so proud! I look forward to reading “deep fucking thoughts” and all the snark too. Snark is good times.
Please, high five my face. I like it.
I’m high fiving the shit out of your face, feel it? Not just a shameless plug, but I wrote a piece a while back called “a day in the life : as told by fonts”…and yes, our dear comic sans made the cut.
http://illbeoutinaminute.com/2012/05/23/a-day-in-the-life-as-told-by-fonts/
YES! Imma read the shit out of that, you know, in reciprocity.
saaaaweeeet.
The first thing I learned from this post was that people picked on Comic Sans. I had no idea, and I always thought it was a cute font.
Everyone loves a target though, especially those of us who love to snark (I do this too much), and it seems that making fun of someone for their weight is the last socially acceptable target.
I identified so much with what you said about gaining perspective by joining the ranks of the previously mocked. I’ve had to eat some previously held opinions with a knife and fork after actually facing the experience in my life, and it’s humbling, but eating shitty words can also be the fastest way to perspective and practical application of empathy.
I think this post will reach a lot of people–it’s an issue that most women can identify with in some way, and I love your manifesto.
I was raised in a home with fat hate. I gained 55 lbs with my first pregnancy, and spent the better part of a year after delivery at that final weight. My self-esteem was in the crapper. I did finally lose the weight, but it wasn’t for me. It was for these voices echoing UNACCEPTABLE in my mind from my childhood and that we are inundated with from our peers and media outlets every day.
Your post has inspired me to go back and try to heal that self-esteem damage from within. An “acceptable” (fuck that) outside appearance is completely worthless without strength and confidence that can only come from within.
This post was really beautiful, and honest. I loved every word.
You really touched me with this comment. Especially the part about healing. I think you stated very eloquently what a lot of this is about. Healing from the self abuse that is fat hate turned inward.
I also agree whole heartedly that having to eat our words does teach us empathy… snark can be fun, and I partake often. I need to reel it in from time to time, though. And it’s been a pretty tough pull in this case. Thank you for commenting, and for dropping in. Here’s to living on our own terms…
“Fat hate turned inward” is a really sobering way to put it. We do that with so many insecurities and impossible standards. And this one has so much power over so many.
This is a really powerful post, and I will be sending it around, because I think it really represents the feelings of so many women.
Cheers to our own terms.
Astonishingly honest post, it takes a lot of guts to bare your soul and be so vulnerable.
I am aware of the fat hate, when I was overweight I experienced it and to my horror as I started to lose weight I begin to feel it. I am acutely aware of feelings of hate or disgust towards other people, I know it is my own ego/pride that makes me feel these things. I am constantly reminding myself that I have no reason or right to make these judgments and how hurtful they were when people did it to me. I am getting a lot better.
I never expected to feel that way towards other overweight people, I spent most of my life being heavy and while I am very proud of losing weight I don’t think this makes me a better person than I was when I was fat. In the grand scheme of things I haven’t been at a healthy weight for very long and I am aware of my bias and constantly working on it, and it does seem to be getting better. But I was so shocked to realize I was doing it and the only reason I was cognizant of it is because I had been a victim of it myself. So I wonder how hard it is for people who have never experienced ti to be aware of doing it?
Thank you for writing this post it has helped me work on some of my own issues.
I think you look so happy and radiant in your wedding photo. Happiness trumps everything.
Like all things, the destigmatization of fat will have it’s day. And it starts just like that…realizing we carry prejudice with us. I still have many I need to examine, but I’m proud of conquering the ones I have. I think I even have compassion for Comic Sans now.
Happiness trumps everything is a great mantra. I’m happy you dropped in to comment.
I just reread this, and I wanted to say that sizism can be directed at anyone. I know I have judgemental thoughts about very skinny people, which isn’t fair. And even fit, “average” people will have to deal with some judgement (i.e. must be nice to have all that free time to work out). Yeah, living something makes it easier to understand it, but we don’t have to be black or gay to know that hating these things is uncool. Body size will have its day, I suppose. Anyway, just a little addendum.
I am trying very hard to not judge people period. I have now been on both ends of this, as I lost weight people started to comment that I was getting too thin or say that I shouldn’t lose anymore weight. Jeesh you just can’t win.
I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and it is hard not to be affected by their comments. I don’t want to do that to someone else. When I have negative thoughts about someone else I try to ask myself what is it about myself that I am projecting onto them. It isn’t always an easy thing to look at the nasty parts of my own psychic but it has helped me to identify some of the things about myself I need to work on. I am becoming more accepting of myself and others. I have a lot less anger and self loathing.
Right ON sistah. It’s true, you can’t win. Not even the winners win (How deep is that?).
It might be human nature to judge, I don;t know. It comes to us so easily. Or maybe that’s just what we’ve been taught. Either way, it’s good to keep it real, as Le Clown would say.
you look beautiful in all the photos – people are just jealous
Thank you. I finally am starting to feel beautiful.
:)
It’s sad that we’ve developed such terrible impulses about our own bodies. Overweight does not equal unhealthy (although as you point out, there are health risks often associated with it). I think our primary goal should be to achieve happiness and health before worrying about what the rest of the world thinks about us. Of course, that’s so very much easier said than done, isn’t it?
That Fat=Unhealthy assumption is really pervasive. Yet, there’s not a lot of evidence to support it. Like I said, there’s as many thin unhealthy people, but we don’t go telling them, “walk away from that hamburger!”.
SO much easier said than done. I hear blogging about it helps (har dee har har).
I love you, Sara! You’re a goddess! ♥
But, I guess, by definition herein, I’m a loser. LOL! C’est la vie! Comic Sans has served me well, and I’m not embarrassed to say that I use it. ;0)
*squishy hugs*
Veggiewitch ♥
YEAH! You OWN that Comic Sans baby. Haters gonna hate. I adore you, so I got your back. xo
I wouldn’t call you fat – ‘not thin’ would be better. ‘Curved’ or something. After all, you don’t look ‘pumped up’. And you’ve got a really beautiful face! In both picctures!
I’m a naturally thin person, so no one accepts these words of me :). But I’m eating everything with sugar and fat, so one day I’ll be really really fat. But I believe that women (from 30 years or something) shouldn’t be too thin. From a certain age, it just looks unhealthy. And besides that, everything you say is true. Very true! Great post, and I thank Le Clown for bringing me here.
I don’t mind the word “fat”. I used to, but then I started thinking there’s no reason for that to be a dirty word. So yeah, I’m fat, and I’m cool with that. Being naturally thin, as you are, will also draw suspicion and criticism, and I’m sorry for that. It seems no size is safe, really. Here’s to happiness at every size and age!
I am also prejudiced against heavy people and when I gained almost 50 lbs last year (quitting smoking and then a serious illness) I couldn’t stand the sight of myself. I was fat and since I didn’t like fat people, I didn’t like myself. Correction…I hated myself. I have lost most of the weight since then (by changing the way I ate and initially following an exercise program) but I constantly berate myself for the small “belly” I still have. It is a horrible and damaging outlook and it must be changed. Your manifesto is marvelous. Good for you Sarah. xo
If you have the ability to accept me, a relative stranger, the way I am, then Im thinking you have the ability to accept you. Maybe not this instant, but it’s there. That’s my best guess, even if it sounds a litte psychoanalytic. I’m glad you’ve come back from that illness you talk about, Wendy. You deserve a celebration for that (if you haven’t already).
Thank you Sara and yes, I definitely accept you the way you are. I’ve had a few brief exchanges with you and you are one of the most “real” people I’ve met. I’d really like to meet you in person one day. I come from Montreal (all over) and I have a brother and some old school friends living on the South Shore. I don’t go to visit often (I work weekends – with Mondays and Tuesdays off) but the next time I plan a trip up, I will let you know and see if you are available to meet for a cup of coffee. I would really enjoy that. :-)
Um…. YES please. I really look forward to that. I mean, you’ve seen all my guts and secrets, so really, I have no reason to be shy. Can’t wait. I’m sure Montreal misses you. Remind me where you’re coming from?
Not sure what you are asking….right now I live in Gatineau (20 mins out of Ottawa) but if you’re asking where I came from online…I follow your crazy-ass husband and I think I ended up there through Sweet Mother. I also have a blog on wordpress…called wendysworks :-)
I was asking physical location. Gurl, you’re so close! I follow your blog already. That part I knew…
lol…ok, just checking. My head’s been up my ass lately and I’m having a little trouble thinking straight, but hopefully things will be better soon. :-)
This is without a doubt one of the best posts I have ever read. Thank you, Penny
That is without a doubt, one of the best compliments I’ve ever received on my blog. The thanks goes to you.
Amazing post, Sara. Kudos to you. I struggle with my body image too even though it’s in the other direction – it’s funny how difficult it is to accept ourselves whatever we look like. Why the f*ck does that even matter? Such a waste of time and emotions.
How tragic is it that nothing is good enough? It’s like breaking your back for a boss that is never happy. Time for a career change, I say.
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Hi there Sara! It’s TJ/Tahira, you may have seen me floating around on Jen’s Facebook sometimes. I know your husbands blog, but never strolled to yours yet! To be honest, I don’t really know what to say as I’m feeling that I would repeat all the great things that previous readers said to you. But your article is just the truth. I don’t understand a lot of things in human behavior (and this comes from a former Sociology student) and sometimes the stupidity in the way people think is just mind blowing. For being such complex “intelligent” beings, we are so easy with labeling other individuals. It’s just sad, because it’s simply a waste of time and energy. Life is way too short to be walking around thinking the world should “look” a certain way. Besides, how boring would the world be if everyone looked the same?! Sheesh.
Thank you for writing such an inspiring, eye-opening and honest post. You are in control of your happiness and I’m just so happy that you decided that you deserve to take back your joy again. You are just beautiful and I agree with everyone else, you’re gorgeous in your wedding picture. Your smile is just too pretty :) I take my hat off for you (I usually have a pirate one! hehe.)
Oh! I shared your article on Twitter and G+. My Facebook is acting up for some ^^$^%&#$% reason, so will share it when I can!
Ciao!
I’m gobsmacked. Thank you for comin’ on over. Any friend of Jen’s is welcome here.
Appreciate you spreading me around in a not porno kind of way. I’ll change the settings on my link on FB to public. Maybe that’s why you can’t share? I dunno. FB is forever misbehaving.
Your words are thoughtful and moving. Un gros merci, ma nouvelle amie.
De rien *bows* I meant every single word, my lady ^_^
I will try again on Facebook today. Otherwise, I’ll just grab the link from your site. My brain was already too fuzzy to think of this yesterday. You’re right! FB is always misbehaving, but still I come back to it haha.
Either way, have a lovely, lovely day today.
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Reblogged this on Dinnerversions and commented:
I focus in food and recipes in this blog and the way we make the different dietary needs work in our family. I haven’t written about the food relationship though and it’s something I am intending to do in an upcoming post. But for starters I wanted to share this wonderful post written by a blogger I follow. Sara is a funny, creative and all around excellent human being. Read her. (For my friends and family who read me but don’t blog, a ‘reblog’ is the equivalent of an email forward).
You are beautiful in your wedding picture. Part of this is natural, and part of it is your happiness and personality showing through. It’s a cliche, but how you are inside can affect how others see you on the outside. I once met a guy who was seriously hot, like built like that guy from Jag hot, but then he opened his mouth, and he was a jackass, and immediately I stopped being attracted to him. He still looked the same, but boom, his appeal was gone.
I agree w/ Le husband – awesome, gutsy post. I, too, have worried about not being as skinny as I was when I married, and I judge myself in those full length mirrors (which are of Hades, I believe). But like you, I didn’t appreciate myself when I was the so-called ideal weight either. You are still the same you no matter what. And there are a lot of skinny bitches that have nothing up in their heads. I would, always, always prefer to have a brain. I’ll have it much longer than they will have the model looks. Everyone gets old sometime.
Yup, personality will stay with one long after the narrow scope youth and beauty we so admire is gone. I have met my share of good looking people that I wanted so much to like, but couldn’t because of the complete misalignment of personalities. Skinny, slender, plump, fat, “average” all have the bubble heads and the brains within their ranks. I don’t know if there’s a direct correlation between beauty and lack of brains. I would think that when the world gives you everything based on your looks, there’s little need to develop a sense of humour, or compassion, or talent, or whatever. Obviously, that’s not a rule, as I’ve known gorgeous people with plenty of personality, and socially imperfect ones who are vapid and boring.
I banned full length mirrors and scales from my life a while back when I realized that they controlled my happiness. A number, just a number, could ruin my week.
Here’s to unfettered happiness!
Sara, I don’t know how I missed this, but what a gorgeous manifesto. I want to stand up and give you an ovation. You are a beautiful soul, inside and out, and I am so happy that you are finding your way back to joy.
Speaking of missing things. I thought I responded to this, but it seems that I didn’t. Damn you, mental dictaphone!
I am finding my way. Old school, with a map and a tank of gas. None of this GPS crap. That’s a metaphor…for what I do not know.
Thank you, she of the spotted quadruped on wheels. Your words are kind, and they made me feel good.
This was an awesome read for me. I used to be a dancer, then was in a train wreck and on pills and off of them and in the bed or hospital for about three years. 250 seems to be my new normal and now that I’m doing better I know exactly what you are saying about the other people out there who believe TV. Thank you for your bit of strength, I’m having a fat day and feel better now. Hope you don’t mind, but I have posted this on my facebook page. Your words powerful.
TV is a dirty rotten liar. It took me, oh, 34 years to realize that the way things happen on TV/movies isn’t the way it happened in real life. What the hell!? I’m sorry about your accident. That sounds hellish. To think you’ve triumphed over that, and yet still get punished for being the “wrong” weight at the end. I think the whole anti-fat culture needs some cognitive behavioural therapy. Rewire the negative thinkers, and generalizers, and all or nothing-ers. Undo the assumptions that fat is bad, all fat people are bad, fat trumps everything else. Pft, I say. PFFFFT!
CCongratulations on your courageous journey back from trauma (well, that’s what it sounds like). Have you thrown a party? You should. Champagne (or non-alcoholic beverages if needed)!
Thank you kindly for the post to FB. That’s a great compliment. I am humbled.
I plan on throwing a grand party when the lawsuit is finally settled. And the champagne will be flowing, along with vodka, pigs in a blanket, deviled eggs and ice cream. I got to watch my weight you know. :D
Now I’m hungrythirstyenvious. Rock on with your bad self.
Brilliant! I love this post and I hope you don’t mind I’ve posted it to facebook. I belong to a mutual support group of binge eaters and thought they’d like to read it :) Might take me a while to get to the point where I could make a manifesto like yours but I’m trying! I just wish I had read the whole thing through when I saw it before, I assumed it was about something else :S oops! book, don’t, cover, judge,a…..rearrange as appropriate.
I am full of trickery. I thought to myself “let’s make people think this is a Comic Sans bashing party, and then BAM! They’ll be drawn into by 1400 word web of pontification!”.
I am very touched you posted it to FB. I never expected to have this kind of response, but as it turns out, I’m not alone. I’m so happy you have support, and I wish you speedy healing from the bludgeoning of sizism.
Oh you’re definitely not alone but as everyone who joins that group thinks the same way I’m no longer surprised by the sentiment only saddened by it! I think I’m like you and will be happy when I don’t overeat to the point I feel sick..not when I’m skinny…I never have been but I can’t see that being the answer lol.
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Dear Sara,
Thank you for your bravery. It inspires and ignites a fire in me….to be more real about my own weight issues. I haven’t gone there yet in my blog…never thought I could. I might now.
BTW:…this picture of me…totally not an accurate representation of my weight. I told myself I put it out there…to inspire me to get back to my thin self.
In truth….I am doing it to hide….for all the reasons you said. What’s interesting to me, is how hard we are on ourselves. To me, I love your wedding photo…I see complete joy in your face, and a beautiful dress to boot.
But, you see, I don’t hold an image of what you “should” look like in my mind. And so, I see only the beauty…in the picture..in your words.
I wonder then, why I can’t seem to give this to myself? You’ve filled me up to the top with this post…and I sending you..no BLASTING you with light from across the world.
Thank you so much♥
Love, Lis
P.S. Enjoy your birthday…your friends are such a testament to how special you are.
Oh yes, the “thin” profile pic or whatever. I still use them on occasion, or hide behind drawings (case in point). The more pics I put out there with the “real” me, though, the braver I get. Most of the mosters I’m afraid of stay under the bed. No one says nasty things. Maybe people think them, but since I can’t read minds, no point getting hung up. That’s a long way of saying “I hear ya, sister”.
I can feel your light, and I’m just so humbled and happy that you liked the post. I have a really smart therapist that showed me the flaws in my self-loathing logic. She asked if I would ever judge my friends the way I judge myself. Of course not. So then why do I hurt myself on purpose? Why so I MAKE UP insults to imagine spilling from my friend’s lips? It’s so obvious when someone else points it out. That evil little voice inside our heads only gets it’s power from us believing it. But it lies…oh, how it lies.
Dearest Sara,
The more truth we speak….I think the voice goes away.
To me, you just shouted truth from the rooftops in this post. I’ll bet that evil little bastard will be gone for a while…maybe forever.
:)
(((hugs and gratitude))))
Lisa
Certainly in hiding, and growing weaker by the minute. Much love.
To al the idiots out there who judge us, I use to say “I might be heavy, but you are stupid and that condition is chronic.”
You are a stunning woman, outside and in. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
Jackassery is the real epidemic. And yet, there’s not miracle cure promised.
Somebody should get on that.
Thanks, Sophy. Standing taller everyday.
cheers
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I love this post! As someone who always snarks about her weight, I’m sorry. I think in the end, (for me at least), it’s simple. I’ll never be happy about my weight, regardless of where it is. When I weigh less, I’ll eventually decide I’m too skinny. When I weigh more, I’ll decide I’m too fat. But also that my boobs are too small. It’s not that I’m interested in enhancements or feel it’s necessary to be pin-thin; it’s more that Goldilocks thing of never feeling “just right”.
I’m honestly not sure if it’s entirely cultural, that we’re all simply taught to hate our bodies from a very young age, or if it’s me. I know that I almost never weigh myself because when I was fifteen I weighed myself twice a day, but I hate talking about that. I’m all for “womaning up” in theory. Yet to actually do so feels… just very naked. I don’t know how you do it!!
My sister and I have had this conversation about how “fat” can be stigmatizing. I think she feels that my parents actually treat us differently because we have different body types.
You are brave! You just talked about it, and that takes ovaries of steel, woman.
I think it’s a genuine difficulty for many people (especially women?) to feel at home in their own skin. “Just Right” as you say. It’s not fair, dammit! It’s our body and we SHOULD have the privilege to feel good in it. I too got super obsessive about weighing myself at about the same age. My mom got rid of the scale. Smart mom.
Fat is stigmatizing, even when we don;t mean it to be. I don’t know your parents, but your sister does. Even the most loving people carry some kind of prejudice with them, and I think fat hate is not only acceptable, but so deeply ingrained that it’s natural and unconscious. We treat people differently when they are fat, or unattractive, or poor, or whatever. It’s what we do, but it can change.
We are hardwired to be cruel to ourselves. Maybe if we refuse to tell ourselves that we are “less than” or “not enough” over and over again, we could rewire our brains. You seem like a compassionate person. I doubt you would tell a daughter/sister/best friend that they are not as good because they do not fit the mould. Why would you (or I) say this to yourself? It’s a lie! The voice in our head is a liar! Pants on fire!
Much love L&L. Thanks for sharing your personal stuff with me.
Bless you, and bless me, too, and bless all of us who struggle to free our spirits from the shame and judgment that strangle us.
A noble struggle if there ever was one.
I really can’t think of any way to say what you’ve just said any better. So I’ll say BRAVA instead. And AMEN. THANK YOU, too. :)
You flatter me! I love it. Thank you. It’s not easy to write such personal posts, but when people such as yourself drop by, it makes me brave.
Wow. Thank you for posting this. Hits home hard.
Did Le Clown redirect you here? I think I saw your comment…
Regardless, thanks for hopping over.
Sara,
My seven year old says that before she goes to bed at night she watches “brain movies.” I asked her once what they were about and she laughed and said “me! I’m the star.” You only need to be the heroine, the leading lady, the romantic lead in one movie. Your brain movie. I hope writing this brought you a little closer to being the star. Because reading it made me feel a little closer to it.
This touches me in (non-creepy) ways I can’t even explain in this little box. Just thank you. Thank you. Xxoo
Brain movies….LOVE.
I’m finally getting the hang of this world…funny how the kids are smarter than us…how’d we get so dumb? Maybe not dumb…distracted, lost the plot…