Shut-in is the New Black.
CRAP. I thought I could, but I can’t. It’s not you, it’s me. Trust me. It really is me.
A dear friend is moving today, and I offered to help, because that’s what good friends do. They wrangle cats or lift boxes or go on pizza runs for you when you move all your dusty second-hand furniture from crappy, too-small apartment A into much-less-crappy apartment B.
Today is the big day, and I totally fucking froze. I haven’t seen this friend for five months. I crashed HARD after my wedding in September, and I have seen almost nobody socially since then.
I’m afraid. Of everyone.
Ironic since I’m typically outgoing, social, charming, friendly, etc.
But several pills and pounds later, the thought of facing those who knew me well, and especially facing those I don’t know at all, makes me queasy. I fear having to explain everything for the umpteenth time.I fear people noticing that I am twice the woman I used to be ~ almost literally. I fear the total renegotiation of all my relationships.
“Hi _____! Oh yeah, I’m doing ok, but I may have to leave suddenly because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. Oh, and I often cancel last minute because I feel like shit and/or can’t get out of bed. And I probably won’t remember half of what you tell me in this conversation. And I’m thinking of taking up drooling as a hobby….” and so on.
I’ve come a long way, and I have a lot of
awesome high functioning days. But not this day.