Don’t Call Me a B*tch
I hate the b-word. I think it’s overused and despite the recent reincarnation as a term of endearment, I will curtly remind anyone not to use it on me.
Unless I really am being one.
My definition of bitch is as follows: a very mean, cruel, selfish woman. If I am being this way, then yes, call me on it.
But, I am not a bitch if I:
- Know what I want and ask for it.
- Have an opinion.
- Am successful.
- Direct people or give orders
- Am aggressive.
- Say no.
- Disagree with you.
- Stand up for myself, my family, my beliefs.
- Take exception to sexual harassment, come ons, wolf whistles, cat calls, or inappropriate remarks.
- Write this post.
I also have an issue with the inherently sexist connotation of the word. When applied to a woman, it can mean a female who is bossy, aggressive, strong willed, unfeminine. Or any woman really. Yet when applied to a man, it’s an insult of another nature. It refers to a male who is weak willed, sensitive, subordinate, submissive, unmanly. Either way, it refers to someone who is not fulfilling their sex-specific gender role.
For me, using it casually, or even as a term of endearment, is almost as offensive as the word itself. I understand reclaiming a word, and I am all for it, but I can never be comfortable with the b-word any more than I am comfortable with the n-word. They serve the same purpose: to denigrate, subordinate, and separate. And don’t give me that “but they call themselves that” BS. We may have become desensitized to the word, but that doesn’t make it ok, in my book.
So for the love of Gloria, don’t call me a bitch, or you’ll see how much of a bitch I can be.
Stepping outside my womanly duties.
Haven’t you being called an anti-feminist lately?
Didn’t you know? I hate women.
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful peeing standing up.”
Reblogged this on A Clown On Fire and commented:
A beaver of a blog post.
When you argue with someone cruel stuff gets said, and when you have power over someone a casual comment can hurt them as they know the whims of mind could destroy them.
To give an example, if you felt your daughter had been insulted obviously you’d be rather pissed and it would be very easy to be rude. If you were someone’s boss and they did something wrong you might well feel justified ripping into them.
I don’t know if this was your intention, but given how easy it is to ruin someone’s day with a single remark and crash and burn their mood I think it’s good to be wary of how easily we can mess someone up. A lot of the items sound like emotionally charged situations which could go either way. Politeness costs nothing except self control. If you just meant situations where you did those items politely and they still used the word bitch, I agree with you.
Taking exception to sexual harassment is more the use of bitch as a generic word for women someone dislikes. I agree it’s not good. I wouldn’t say that’s gender specific though, and I have been called a bastard for rejecting women. People take rejection badly.
You’re right. There’s rarely an excuse for being rude. In the examples I gave there’s no issue of rudeness or disrespect. I can give orders without being rude. I can do all those things without rudeness. My point is, that given the same situations, but applied to a man, usually they wouldn’t face the same criticism. It is the act, not the delivery, that draws the pejorative. That’s why it’s sexist. That’s why the word is used for people who do not conform to culturally assigned gender roles.
As for rejection, if bitch wasn’t a sexist term, then you, being male, would’ve just as easily been called a bitch for rejecting a woman. And bastard is directed at men, usually. I’m not suggesting that there aren’t sexist terms directed at men. This post is about my issue with a specific word, not all sexist language. But nobody deserves to be called names over any of these acts; male, female, or other.
It’s been mostly my experience that those who got called bitches did those above things and, perhaps accidently, crossed the line into rudeness. But If you’ve faced that and your delivery has been fine, I agree it’s wrong to do that.
I suspect they use the word because they feel uncomfortable about you due to their dislike of people who break gender roles and bitch serves as the generic ‘woman I dislike’ word.
Bitch and bastard mostly mean the same thing. While the words are gendered, they don’t carry much meaning. That’s why they’re so widely used. They mean anyone who you dislike for some reason.
I doubt trying to stigmatize an individual word will do much while people hold sexism in their hearts. They’d just find another word. And think the word bitch.
Totally. That’s part of my issue with the word. It’s misused. I think it still has a lot of weight. And it’s very harsh criticism for ordinary behaviour (for both sexes). Not all women I dislike are bitches. Some of them are flakey. Some are obtuse. Some just don’t fit with my personality. Doesn’t make them bitches. It’s the lumping together all women (all women are bitches/hoes/tricks/sluts depending on who you ask) or the unreasonable assignment of the word to someone who is a) behaving normally or b) taking on typically male roles. It’s thrown around like it doesn’t hurt, but it does. I know that mine is not a popular stance. I know that right now, the word seems to more popular than ever, and “harmless” to many if not most, but I don’t think it will ever sit right with me.
And women don’t have to do anything to be called a bitch. Hilary Clinton was called a bitch by Glenn Beck because he didn’t like her VOICE. A McCain supporter called her a bitch because she was a rival. Not because she was bossy, mean, rude, but because she was a woman. She wasn’t called an ass-hole, a jerk, a bastard. And if she were, I think the person using these terms would be asked to explain themselves.
As Bette Davis once said: “When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man; when a woman gives her opinion, she’s a bitch.”
Most people aren’t that PC and yeah, they feel whatever they say is harmless and if you disagree you must be an uptight bitch.
Glenn Beck hates Hilary Clinton already. He believes she is an insane socialist. When you hate someone everything about them annoys you.
That’s what I normally find when someone calls someone else a bitch. They hate them, or there was some obvious provocation. Politics is an obvious provocation, since you are taught that the other side is evil. Both sides do it. They find silly reasons to do it, like her voice, but they only seem to find it for the other side.
That’s why you’re supposed to avoid talking about religion and politics in the workplace. People have strongly held opinions and will hate you for saying the wrong thing, whether you’re a man or a woman.
When a man gives his opinion he’s a traitor, a communist, a racist, a bastard, as Glenn Beck has called Obama. People do ask him to explain himself, but they’re also pretty used to him being rude and provocative. Both sides have rather rude personalities. I remember a while ago David Letterman made rape jokes about Sarah Palin’s daughters.
Letterman?! I didn’t know that. Gross.
And yup, when people’s feelings get involved, we start treading into some dangerous territory. People can be terrible.
Killer post, mama. Lots of food for thought here. Can’t even process something on this level right now. We never thoroughly discussed a massive tidal wave that recently knocked me and my ego. The gist: I was called a “Bitch” by a number of people who took offense to my saying that the CIO method was unacceptable (on my blog) or maybe it was that I said people should be free to decide whether or not they want to vaccinate their kids. Or maybe it’s because I don’t believe male or female circumcision is a good idea…
I don’t really know why, but I got (insert word here) slapped in a couple of emails for basically having opinions. And voicing them. On my own blog. Ironically, all of these opinions are centered around gentle parenting. My point is, being called a bitch for having well thought-out opinions was, well, violating. It hurt and left me in a very dark place for days.
I will read and re-read this post. Welcome to the blogosphere. It’s a better place with you in it. xo
Well, like I said in response to thesecond, when people’s feeling get involved, the shit is gonna hit the fan. The thing is, I’m all for discussion, debate, and exchange of opinions…but trashing someone because they expressed an opinion in their own space is not cool. I mean, you weren’t preaching hate, you weren’t inciting violence, you weren’t infringing on other people’s rights…
But such is life out here in the bloggodome. I have not yet had the misfortune to attract any name-callers, but I’m sure my time will come.
You should write about your experience, once you work it out. I bet it’d make a great post.
OK, scratch that. You did write about it.
I think the OP is right on the money. For me the word has simply been ruined by misogyny. I don’t even call my female dogs b*tches. Even hearing the word in that context makes my teeth grind.
If someone of ether gender gets on my nerves and I feel the need to be rude they get to be called an asshole or some word variation starting with the letter “f”. However, normally I like to think that the more angry I get the more polite I get. When I get bipolar angry that’s not true, then it’s incoherent letter “f”s all the way.
Thanks bpder. First, let me say that I had to Google OP, but now I”m all caught up.
Long live the f-bomb! I relate to the angrier you get the more polite…unless it’s that all consuming rage. Thanks for swingin’ by.
Kudos to you for expressing your deeply felt thoughts. I’m too sick (as in actually sick with a cold, not sick like the Marquis de Sade) to read through every one else’s comments, so hopefully this is not a repeat. For me, I like to separate words from how wingnuts use them. I like bitch and I like cunt. And I hate for anyone who uses those words hatefully to remove my right to use them with love, with irony, with sophistication. The origins of these words were not about denigrating women. For me, it’s like throwing out one’s relationship to Jesus, to God, to Buddha, because some people have, in the name of these religious, perpetrated heinous crimes. Some would argue the religions can only give rise to such hate, and, actually, I would not disagree. But the shadow should not be erradicated — it should be brought into the light. If we are capable of shadow behaviour, it’s because we carry the shadow within us. But if we open the door to it, welcome it in, ask it to sit down and tell us what’s troulbing it, we might have a better chance of closing the distance between ourselves and The Other. That said, it’s important to close the door on something that toxifies your world. I have closed the door on many things I just don’t feel like dealing with thankyouverymuch and I am okay with that.
I will not use those words in your presence because I hear your pain and would never want to overstep your boundaries.
You go, girl! You are my favourite!
I am SO for reclaiming words. For some reason, I can’t get comfortable with a few of them. Bitch falls into that category. I may, one day, start to use it the way you use it, Liz. In a way, I hope I do.
Until then, I am grateful that I have friends like you who are cool with my boundaries. This is one of those things I just have to limit my exposure to at this time.
You are on hell of a fine beaver, Liz.
Excellent post. I definitely agree with your male definition as well. Consider me a follower.
Thanks! It’s so flattering when people other than my mom tell me I’m doing well. I found you too….
It’s encouraging when other people tell you they enjoy your posts, and that’s half of what this blogging business is all about. Reading your posts is also far more entertaining than the Twilight saga, although, that may not be much of a compliment… Depends on where you stand on tween fiction, I guess.
Oh, I’m totally Team Controlling Boyfriend.
Gotta say, so far it’s a really supportive community ’round these parts. But I have yet to be truly offensive, I think.
“Better Than Twilight” should be a tagline somewhere….
Hmm. Like on the back of a potato chip bag? “These may not taste great, but they’re still better than Twilight.” Or part of the rights you are read when you get arrested. “You’re going to spend the night in a cell, but it’ll still be better than Twilight.” And so on.
Support is great here in the WordPress community, and I’m actually really quite happy that people are reading my blog and actively commenting on topics I’ve written about. I’m going to try not to offend anyone intentionally, but being the opinionated limey that I am, it’s bound to happen sooner or later.
Team Limey! Oh, and here in Quebec, anglo (native English speakers) get called “Blokes” so I guess I’m in good company.
I love it when you call me beaver. I love the pic of you pissing like a boy. I think you are one kick-ass brainy, brauny, funny, sexy, complex, sophisticated woman who has blown my mind and soul since the first day I met her – you. I miss you. You challenge me, you make me laugh, you love as large as any planet. How can I close the freaking geography between us? You are one hell of a fine human bean.
OBVIOUSLY, you need to return to Montreal. Can Toronto REALLY handle all the glory that is Liz? I doubt it. Just sayn’.